Struggles

I have always known that I wanted to be a mom. In fact, it's about all I've ever wanted to be. I remember in Grade 3 writing about what I wanted to be when I grew up and all I could think of was a housewife. I used to have dreams of raising 4 or 5 or 6 kids. I've always been drawn to children and have needed to have them in my life. God blessed me (and cursed me) with a heart that literally hurts with love for children.

It's heartbreaking to have someone tell you you won't have children of your own. It's terrible to have to sit in a doctor's office with your fiancee and watch the doctor well up thinking about his own daughter. It's not fair to cry yourself to sleep because you're feeling empty inside. It's hard to watch others bellies grow knowing that will never be your reality. I hate hearing other women plan their pregnancies. It's so hard to come to terms with this reality while others tell you about all the people they know who could never get pregnant and did. I can't go to baby showers. I wish that others could understand that depression and emptiness I have felt over the years. How all I could think about for months at a time was what I couldn't have and so desperately wanted. How sometimes just getting out of bed was too hard.

I try not to focus on feeling sorry for myself. I am thankful that I am healthy in every other way. I am grateful that I don't have to go through this struggle alone. I know that there is a reason for my struggle.

I know that God has a bigger plan for us. I needed to surrender to Him. God gave us hearts that were to big to keep them to ourselves. We need to share them with the world. I don't need to give birth to a baby to become a mommy. God provides to all, and He will bring ours to us. My baby, my flesh and blood, is out there. I am just waiting to bring him or her home.

Why I'm Here

I am joining the blogging club. I've always thought that those who spent their time typing had too much time on their hands. But I've got some things that I want to have written down and I am definately not one to sit and write in a journal. So, we'll give this a try.

My husband and I are beginning the process of adoption. I'll share more of what led us to this spot in a later post. For now, I want to begin to write down my thoughts and feelings so that I can share this with our future sons or daughters. I want to be able to look back and share our journey together. I hope too that others who are experiencing this process will read these posts and realize that they aren't alone. I might mix this in with some other tidbits of my life as I go.

The journey has begun. We are FILLED with excitement, anxiety, impatience and joy. We're wondering what you'll look like, we wonder if you're already born and, how old you'll be when we get to meet you. We wonder who'll you'll be more like. We dream about getting to introduce you to our family. We can't wait for you to be spoiled by them. I can't wait to show you your room and to decorate it with all of your favourite things! I am looking forward to our first family vacation (to Disney World, of course!), and our first Christmas (it starts in November here!). We look forward to introducing you to our wonderful Church family. I can't wait to take you to summer camp. I look forward to baking cookies with you, and building huge forts in our family room. We are praying for you and dreaming about you all the time! You are SO loved now and always. I hope to meet you soon!