Monday, June 15, 2009

I'm not really as bitter as I sound...

Just found out that the government of Ontario is now taking 14-20 weeks to approve home studies. That went from the 6 weeks we were originally told. I suppose I've got to get used to things taking MUCH longer than I expect. The thought that comes to my mind when hearing this is: BALLS!! Please excuse the rudeness...

I would honestly just like only good news 100% of the time. K? Thanks.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Hillsong Weekend!

What a great weekend (okay, I know that it's almost next weekend...forgive me!)! I got to spend Saturday with my bestie, just hanging out, walking, eating...awesome. I love, love, love her! I love it that I can be real with her, and that she can see right through me even when I'm not being real with myself. We understand each other in a way that I don't think anyone else does. I know whole-heartedly that she was placed in my life for a reason. I truly and honestly don't know what I would do without her. Seriously don't know what I would do.

That's not where I was going with this post...but it's who I was with (so there!). We had been planning on going to a Hillsong United worship at Ontario Place. The concert wasn't until 6, but we thought we'd hang out together during the day...I was only a little bitter that I was missing out on the fun that our "play all day" passes at Ontario Place had in store. Anyways...we went for a walk (because we're going to be walking 60km together in September and I hadn't done one bit of training yet!), and got to talking. I had been feeling down again...frustrated that I wasn't getting the answers that I was looking for fast enough...frustrated that I could feel myelf falling into a hole, and I wasn't sure I could get out of it. Well, as we were talking, we realized that we were both in that same spot...what a blessing to know you're not alone!

We finally got to Ontario Place at 5pm...and the first thing I realized was that Ontario Place is like a mini Wonderland...their Drop Zone is no higher than my house. I guess I wasn't missing out on much fun! Anyways...we waited FOREVER in line, each ate a hotdog in about 30 seconds when we learned we couldn't bring food into the venue...and sat down to worship.

I must admit, I was excited to be there, but my heart was hard. Again, I'm mad about the hole I can't find a way out of, the answers I'm not getting, the bitterness and doubt that I'm constantly struggling with. I was looking for God to show himself in a big way, but I wasn't so sure he'd come through for me. Silly me, he ALWAYS does, but I ALWAYS forget. We stood to sing "Mighty to Save" and I felt my heart beginning to melt...
Saviour, He can move the mountains

My God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save
Forever, author of salvation
My God is mighty to save
He is mighty save...

My arms were up and open wide... and it only got better from there. These were words I knew, but I needed them to touch my heart again. Then a speaker got up and gave a brief message. I couldn't tell you much of what he talked about, but I remember how he ended...He asked for anyone who was hurting, or needed healing, or was looking for an answer to raise their hand. I put my hand in the air. He prayed for all of us with our hands in the air. The 50 000 people who were there prayed together. For me??? For me!! Call me crazy, but I literally felt the Spirit moving in me. I could feel my sadness begin to disappear. I remembered that I serve a God who is SO much bigger than my hurts and fears. I serve a God who has shown me time and time again that He will take care of me, that He loves me, that He is doing what's best for me.

What an amazing worship. Worshipping in a way causes changes of heart and mind. Opening up your heart completely and feeling Him come inside. Wanting nothing more than to sing with everything within you, and raise your hands in utter awe of the amazing God we serve.

That was Saturday. This is Thursday. I haven't talked to my bestie in a few days (well, I called her in a panic because I lost my visa and health card on Saturday...), I haven't gotten any real answers. Doubt, bitterness and worry are starting creep back in. I know that God is faithful. I know that he hears me and I know that he'll answer. But why don't I believe that? Why can't I just trust Him and his plan? Why can't things just be the way I want them?

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Not Me...

I can't do the "Not Me" stuff on Mondays....all my embarrasing stuff happens during the here it is:

I was NOT incredibly offended when my Grade 2s said that another teacher at school was their favourite. I did NOT proceed to shorten our math lesson, hand out freezies, and take the kids skipping in order to try to win them back. That would be stooping to their level...I am so above that!

I do NOT have one month worth of laundry sitting in my livingroom waiting to be folded. I do NOT have to come down every morning to grab clean underwear while leaving the rest of the stuff to be folded.

I did NOT eat an entire loaf of bread in one day.

I am NOT sitting here typing this and pretending to do work for an online course I am taking in hopes that Mark will start supper. NOT me!!!

Monday, June 1, 2009

All I Can Say

Here is a new song I heard by the David Crowder Band. Actually it's an old song, but I just discovered it today. Wow, is all I can say!

Lord I'm tired
So tired from walking
And Lord I'm so alone
And Lord the dark
Is creeping in
Creeping up
To swallow me
I think I'll stop
Rest here a while

And didn't You see me cry'n?
And didn't You hear me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember
Where you sat it down

And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give

I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that
That was You holding me
I didn't notice You were cry'n too
I didn't know that
That was You washing my feet

I spent most of last month feeling sorry for myself. I was angry that we have't heard anything new on the adoption front, angry that I don't know where I'll be working next year, angry that I can't make plans, angry because I wanted things to be different, to be set, to be known. I was angry that I had to watch a sweet little girl say good-bye to her mother. Angry that life just isn't fair, and tired of having to deal with it all. I know that the majority of the world has to deal with a lot of harder things than I do, so I don't write this so everyone will feel sorry for me, or so that I can have a pity party (blogging is just my therapy). I really felt like God had forgotten me. Things haven't turned around quite yet, but by the grace of God and some amazing friends (who probably don't even realize how awesome they are, I am out of my funk. It's in those moments when I realize that God is with me through it all. I am never alone. My pain is leading me to bigger and better things. I am learning lessons. I am becoming more open with others. I am learning to enjoy small moments. I am becoming stronger, and in the end, I am learning to rely more on Him.