Struggles

I have always known that I wanted to be a mom. In fact, it's about all I've ever wanted to be. I remember in Grade 3 writing about what I wanted to be when I grew up and all I could think of was a housewife. I used to have dreams of raising 4 or 5 or 6 kids. I've always been drawn to children and have needed to have them in my life. God blessed me (and cursed me) with a heart that literally hurts with love for children.

It's heartbreaking to have someone tell you you won't have children of your own. It's terrible to have to sit in a doctor's office with your fiancee and watch the doctor well up thinking about his own daughter. It's not fair to cry yourself to sleep because you're feeling empty inside. It's hard to watch others bellies grow knowing that will never be your reality. I hate hearing other women plan their pregnancies. It's so hard to come to terms with this reality while others tell you about all the people they know who could never get pregnant and did. I can't go to baby showers. I wish that others could understand that depression and emptiness I have felt over the years. How all I could think about for months at a time was what I couldn't have and so desperately wanted. How sometimes just getting out of bed was too hard.

I try not to focus on feeling sorry for myself. I am thankful that I am healthy in every other way. I am grateful that I don't have to go through this struggle alone. I know that there is a reason for my struggle.

I know that God has a bigger plan for us. I needed to surrender to Him. God gave us hearts that were to big to keep them to ourselves. We need to share them with the world. I don't need to give birth to a baby to become a mommy. God provides to all, and He will bring ours to us. My baby, my flesh and blood, is out there. I am just waiting to bring him or her home.