Thursday, November 13, 2008

I am really beginning to like blogging. I always seem to feel better when my thoughts are out there for cyberspace to read. As someone who is not good at speaking her mind, this is really good for me.

I've got a few things on my this could be a double blog day. We'll see how far I get before Grey's Anatomy comes on in half an hour :).

I've always wondered why bad things happen to good people. Why bad things have to happen to anyone. No one deserves cancer, or to have their loved ones die too young. I just can't explain it. I've always wondered how a loving God can allow so much pain to happen. I still don't get it. I'd love for someone to give me an explanation for all the pain and heartache that I can accept and understand. I suppose some things I'm not meant to know. I know that God is still God through everything we face. I wonder if he gives us these struggles (like Job) to test us, or to help us grow in faith, and to teach us to rely on Him? However, I'm not sure I could hold the hands of someone dying of cancer or of someone who's just lost a loved one and tell them that. Perhaps life just comes with crap and we have to recognize that God is with us through all these struggles. But that still doesn't make it easier. Sometimes it's just not fair and it doesn't make sense.

That being said, I believe that God decided not to let me give birth. I think that he chose me (and Mark) specifically to have our children through adoption. I do think that God closes some doors for us so that he can open others. Sometimes he needs to do it again and again and again (sometimes it's right in our faces) so that we will recognize the door he wants us to go through. I want to call this a gift and be thankful for it, I do. I can't yet, but I just know that the first time I see my child, all of my past heartaches will be gone. I want to get this whole process over with so I can just look back and be thankful for this marvelous gift.

I am so thankful that this finally makes sense to me. I have always felt guilty for being mad and bitter and upset about my infertility. I should have just been thankful for what I do have. I don't have cancer; I am healthy in every other way and I have a life filled with blessings. I know now that it my feelings were okay. I was chained by the weight of what I couldn't have. I could do nothing but wish for what isn't possible for me. What a freedom it is to have this burden lifted from me.

Somethings I still can't explain. I pray that God keeps my burden light and gives me insight as I go. I pray that I always rely on him. I pray that as I let him guide my life, he'll continue to shower me with blessings. I pray that I won't let worries of all the terrible things that life could throw at me prevent me from living a full life.



Tereasa said...

B-I would really like to respond to this post, but my thoughts are too many. Will you please email me at I will then email my response.