Tuesday, November 4, 2008


I've been thinking about where to go next with my blog. It's already turned from a story about adoption to my struggles and desires. But that's okay. In the midst of it, my story will be told. I want my kids to understand that life isn't always easy and it rarely turns out the way you expect, but God is always in control, and only in retrospect can you see the plans He's had for you. I praise Him for guiding and controlling my life despite my own plans.

My heart aches with suspicions of another close friend's pregnancy. As soon as I feel good and excited about the journey that I am on, someone else get's pregnant and my heart breaks again. I wonder why God has made my life this way, why he closed my womb while others are having babies that they shouldn't. Yes, God knows the desires of my heart, but sometimes it's so hard to remember that he's in control when the heartache and jealousy creep in.

I will be okay. Although today is hard, tomorrow will be better. God has a way of slipping blessings in to ease my pain and remind me that He's still there. It's a message from someone saying that they are thinking of me, or a blog from my best frind. It's someone just asking how things are going, or a phone call reminding me not to lose hope. It's my husband having the courage to ask others to pray for us, or it's him taking me out to dinner because he knows it will make my day. It's having a great day with my kids at school or a fun night with good friends.

I'm learning to lean on Him. I have a feeling that God is preparing me for something. If it's a pregnancy, the world won't be able to contain my joy. But if it's not, I will continue to praise Him for what He is doing in my life. No child will be more loved.

Random thoughts, I know. It's hard to be coherent when you've got so much on your mind!