no computer

hi all.

I appreciate the comments SO much! our computer is broken and blogging is impossible with my cell only. I hope to be back soon!
Please keep praying for us!

Here we go....

Our first meeting with our adoption practitioner went well! She was calm and reassuring, and had a great sense of humour...which made me feel so much more relaxed. Turns out that spending two days cleaning my house was a waste of time, but no one could have told me differently! Mark and I have a MASSIVE stack of papers to fill out...med forms, questionnaires, police checks and fingerprinting, reference letters, etc, etc, etc. I'm not compliaining...it will all be worth it, but now that we're in the process, I want it to be over now!! I want to be bringing my child home NOW!

We've decided that we'd like to adopt internationally from Russia. Of course, God may have a different plan, but I feel so strongly that our son or daughter is in Russia. This is so exciting!!!

My heart is in Russia....

Home Study

We will be meeting our adoption practitioner for the first time on Tuesday. It will officially start the adoption process for us. I know that it will be a long roller coaster ride, but I am anxious to get it started. I'm also freaking out as well!! It's so so so scary to think that this woman holds the key to our child in her hands. Talk about pressure. Of course, anyone who's ever met me knows that I'm meant to be a mom...but sometimes that makes it even more stressful. When I interview for teaching jobs I always leave in tears...I love to teach...I love everything about it, but the stress of knowing that one principal who barely knows me gets to decide if I can be in a classroom is just too overwhelming for me! How much worse will it be with this lady deciding if I can have a child or not!?!?!?! I hope and pray that it's not too hard to bear.

It's such a comfort to know that there are so many people who are praying for us as we go through this process. God is good, and He will give us strength...I am praying that He provides constant reminders of that during the stressful times ahead.

A New Generation

I see a generation
Rising up to take their place
With selfless faith
With selfless faith
I see a near revival
Stirring as we pray and seek
We're on our knees
We're on our knees

From Hillsong United's "Hosanna"

I had the awesome priviledge of being a part of several life-changing experiences this year. The first one was a Christian Music Festival in PA in June. It was a 3-day, 70 000 people, camping, singing and worshipping experience. I was able to listen to 70 000 people sing "How Great is Our God" on the side of a mountain under a perfect night sky. People just had to raise their hands in thanks to God who created all of it. People were dancing to some amazing praise music. They had so much energy and joy in them that they just had to.

I was also able to attend a Hillsong United Conference in Toronto in September. It was 24 hours of straight worship. WOW. Once again, people were so inspired that they just had to clap with joy or raise their hands in praise. The worship was powerful and life-changing. The spirit of God was there and speaking directly to the hearts of those who were there.

God spoke to me during these times too. I had to raise my hands to my Creator. I had to get on my knees to let Him come in. I had to dance in praise. I had to clap with thanksgiving. The energy that the Spirit was infusing in the room (and on the side of the PA mountain) was contagious...it broke down my conservative walls. It taught me that worship is meant to be powerful. It's meant to be life-changing. It's meant to be a BIG display of thanks and praise to our Creator. The words we were singing were speaking directly to my heart. They were causing me to change my way of thinking. I was being healed while I was opening myself up completely to God. WOW. I never knew that I could experience all of this during church. Who knew that someone playing their INSTRUMENT in praise to the Lord could move me so deeply that I couldn't stop the tears from flowing??

You can't tell me that God wasn't there. You can't tell me the Spirit wasn't present with us as we danced and sang and cried and prayed. I love my Church family. We are doing some amazing things at our church and I am very happy there. I believe that the Spirit is present with us while we work with our neighbours. I have heard some life-changing, inspiring lessons from our preacher. But, I think that there is more. I think that worship needs to be life-changing. I think that people are looking for ways to express themselves before God and they are being dangerously shot down. In fact, I was accused of being divisive for saying that we should have one of our members play the flute during a Christmas service at our church. We are missing the boat if we think that this is acceptable. If we are singing the same off-key song Sunday after Sunday without any need for emotion. I've always been told that your faith can't based on emotions...but how can we express our faith without emotion?

So to those of you who are seeking change and going for it....more power to you. The bible certainly teaches us that our God is a God of freedom, not of rules and regulations...is that not why Christ came to abolish the old law?? Praise Him for that! Of course the scriptures need to be our guide..."whatever you do in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to the Father through him!"

Dance away...

I am really beginning to like blogging. I always seem to feel better when my thoughts are out there for cyberspace to read. As someone who is not good at speaking her mind, this is really good for me.


I've got a few things on my mind...so this could be a double blog day. We'll see how far I get before Grey's Anatomy comes on in half an hour :).


I've always wondered why bad things happen to good people. Why bad things have to happen to anyone. No one deserves cancer, or to have their loved ones die too young. I just can't explain it. I've always wondered how a loving God can allow so much pain to happen. I still don't get it. I'd love for someone to give me an explanation for all the pain and heartache that I can accept and understand. I suppose some things I'm not meant to know. I know that God is still God through everything we face. I wonder if he gives us these struggles (like Job) to test us, or to help us grow in faith, and to teach us to rely on Him? However, I'm not sure I could hold the hands of someone dying of cancer or of someone who's just lost a loved one and tell them that. Perhaps life just comes with crap and we have to recognize that God is with us through all these struggles. But that still doesn't make it easier. Sometimes it's just not fair and it doesn't make sense.


That being said, I believe that God decided not to let me give birth. I think that he chose me (and Mark) specifically to have our children through adoption. I do think that God closes some doors for us so that he can open others. Sometimes he needs to do it again and again and again (sometimes it's right in our faces) so that we will recognize the door he wants us to go through. I want to call this a gift and be thankful for it, I do. I can't yet, but I just know that the first time I see my child, all of my past heartaches will be gone. I want to get this whole process over with so I can just look back and be thankful for this marvelous gift.

I am so thankful that this finally makes sense to me. I have always felt guilty for being mad and bitter and upset about my infertility. I should have just been thankful for what I do have. I don't have cancer; I am healthy in every other way and I have a life filled with blessings. I know now that it my feelings were okay. I was chained by the weight of what I couldn't have. I could do nothing but wish for what isn't possible for me. What a freedom it is to have this burden lifted from me.

Somethings I still can't explain. I pray that God keeps my burden light and gives me insight as I go. I pray that I always rely on him. I pray that as I let him guide my life, he'll continue to shower me with blessings. I pray that I won't let worries of all the terrible things that life could throw at me prevent me from living a full life.

Blessings...

Remembrance

I am so proud to be a Canadian. I get a frog in my throat during the national anthem at the olympics and other sporting events. I love to teach my kids at school about how priviledged we are just to have been born here. I am honoured to have known those who have fought in the war for my freedom and the freedom of others. I will remember my Grandpa and Great Grandpa tomorrow. I will think about the unbelievable tragedy that they must have seen as soldiers in each World War. We can't take this freedom for granted. So, tomorrow when I sing O Canada, I'll stand a little straighter, and sing a little louder. Lest we forget...

Blessings

I've been thinking about where to go next with my blog. It's already turned from a story about adoption to my struggles and desires. But that's okay. In the midst of it, my story will be told. I want my kids to understand that life isn't always easy and it rarely turns out the way you expect, but God is always in control, and only in retrospect can you see the plans He's had for you. I praise Him for guiding and controlling my life despite my own plans.

My heart aches with suspicions of another close friend's pregnancy. As soon as I feel good and excited about the journey that I am on, someone else get's pregnant and my heart breaks again. I wonder why God has made my life this way, why he closed my womb while others are having babies that they shouldn't. Yes, God knows the desires of my heart, but sometimes it's so hard to remember that he's in control when the heartache and jealousy creep in.

I will be okay. Although today is hard, tomorrow will be better. God has a way of slipping blessings in to ease my pain and remind me that He's still there. It's a message from someone saying that they are thinking of me, or a blog from my best frind. It's someone just asking how things are going, or a phone call reminding me not to lose hope. It's my husband having the courage to ask others to pray for us, or it's him taking me out to dinner because he knows it will make my day. It's having a great day with my kids at school or a fun night with good friends.

I'm learning to lean on Him. I have a feeling that God is preparing me for something. If it's a pregnancy, the world won't be able to contain my joy. But if it's not, I will continue to praise Him for what He is doing in my life. No child will be more loved.

Random thoughts, I know. It's hard to be coherent when you've got so much on your mind!

Struggles

I have always known that I wanted to be a mom. In fact, it's about all I've ever wanted to be. I remember in Grade 3 writing about what I wanted to be when I grew up and all I could think of was a housewife. I used to have dreams of raising 4 or 5 or 6 kids. I've always been drawn to children and have needed to have them in my life. God blessed me (and cursed me) with a heart that literally hurts with love for children.

It's heartbreaking to have someone tell you you won't have children of your own. It's terrible to have to sit in a doctor's office with your fiancee and watch the doctor well up thinking about his own daughter. It's not fair to cry yourself to sleep because you're feeling empty inside. It's hard to watch others bellies grow knowing that will never be your reality. I hate hearing other women plan their pregnancies. It's so hard to come to terms with this reality while others tell you about all the people they know who could never get pregnant and did. I can't go to baby showers. I wish that others could understand that depression and emptiness I have felt over the years. How all I could think about for months at a time was what I couldn't have and so desperately wanted. How sometimes just getting out of bed was too hard.

I try not to focus on feeling sorry for myself. I am thankful that I am healthy in every other way. I am grateful that I don't have to go through this struggle alone. I know that there is a reason for my struggle.

I know that God has a bigger plan for us. I needed to surrender to Him. God gave us hearts that were to big to keep them to ourselves. We need to share them with the world. I don't need to give birth to a baby to become a mommy. God provides to all, and He will bring ours to us. My baby, my flesh and blood, is out there. I am just waiting to bring him or her home.

Why I'm Here

I am joining the blogging club. I've always thought that those who spent their time typing had too much time on their hands. But I've got some things that I want to have written down and I am definately not one to sit and write in a journal. So, we'll give this a try.

My husband and I are beginning the process of adoption. I'll share more of what led us to this spot in a later post. For now, I want to begin to write down my thoughts and feelings so that I can share this with our future sons or daughters. I want to be able to look back and share our journey together. I hope too that others who are experiencing this process will read these posts and realize that they aren't alone. I might mix this in with some other tidbits of my life as I go.

The journey has begun. We are FILLED with excitement, anxiety, impatience and joy. We're wondering what you'll look like, we wonder if you're already born and, how old you'll be when we get to meet you. We wonder who'll you'll be more like. We dream about getting to introduce you to our family. We can't wait for you to be spoiled by them. I can't wait to show you your room and to decorate it with all of your favourite things! I am looking forward to our first family vacation (to Disney World, of course!), and our first Christmas (it starts in November here!). We look forward to introducing you to our wonderful Church family. I can't wait to take you to summer camp. I look forward to baking cookies with you, and building huge forts in our family room. We are praying for you and dreaming about you all the time! You are SO loved now and always. I hope to meet you soon!